*at
first I was going to make jokes about Lanie’s talk and how it wasn’t very good,
but she got sick the night before. So instead I talked about how the timing was
great because if it were just 2 days later the new year would be here and
church would start at 9 and no one would’ve been there.
All
kidding aside, I’ve been asked to speak about becoming fully converted to the
gospel and learning to live the standards. I like this topic; I think it’s
extremely relevant as I get ready for my mission, but also very relevant in my
own life story as well. But first, let’s address the mission. This Wednesday
I’ll enter the MTC and begin my mission, where for two years, 24 hours a day,
seven days a week, my life will be devoted towards serving the Lord and
inviting the people of Armenia to forgo the traditions of their fathers, make
covenants with God, and enter the waters of baptism. Now I know the only thing
most of you are thinking right now is, “wait, he’s going where?” To be honest,
when I read that I was assigned to labor in the Armenia Yerevan mission, I
didn’t know there was a country named Armenia, much less where it was. While
you could look up Armenia on Wikipedia using your smartphones and know exactly
as much as I do about the place, I’ll share a few facts for fun.
Armenia
is believed to have been inhabited since the Stone Age. The Kingdom of Armenia
was the first to adopt Christianity as an official religion in 301 AD, and the
majority of the country now follows the Armenian Apostolic religion. The
Armenians use Dram as currency, and
speak Armenian (if you listen really closely, you can hear
the six years of French I studied going down the drain). The language has its
own alphabet, but apparently it is fairly similar to languages like Greek and
Albanian. One of the national symbols is Mount Ararat, believed to be the
famous mountain where Noah’s Ark landed after the cleansing flood. To answer your questions, yes, if I get to
visit the mountain I will be taking a twig and claiming it as part of the
original ark. Armenia was originally a part of the Ottoman Empire and then a
part of the USSR until becoming independent in 1991. But more importantly,
Armenia is apparently known for having the
best-tasting
apricots in the entire world. So if you’re nice to me, and send me lots of
letters, I’ll bring you back some apricots.
More
relevant to my actual mission is the fact that less than one percent of the
country is LDS. The church website lists them as having around 2,000 members. Even
though the nation is reportedly smaller than the state of Utah, the fact is,
the church is tiny. In 1991 the nation was dedicated for preaching the gospel,
but currently there are no temples, stakes, or wards, just one district with 15
branches. The nearest temple is in Kiev Ukraine. Needless to say, I have plenty
of work to do.
Okay, that’s officially everything I know
about Armenia, but I promise to tell you more in two years. But I want to get
back to the topic I was assigned, becoming fully converted to the gospel and
learning to live the standards. At first, this statement seemed redundant in
places. To me, conversion was kind of an all or nothing word, either you were
converted or you weren’t, and there was no need for a term “fully converted”, which
sounded equally redundant as the term “incredibly unique”. I decided to look up
the word conversion. At first the evidence was in my favor; I found an entry
that defined conversion as “a complete change”. But then synonyms I found the
word “transition” and I realized that even though a conversion to the gospel
does entail a complete change, it really is a process, not an event, and there
can be numerous steps before one can claim the title of “fully converted”.
My
next issue came with the correlation between the two terms. I first felt that
if one did become fully converted, they wouldn’t need to “learn” to live the
standards, they would just live them, because they are the standards of the
gospel they’ve just become fully converted to. As I pondered this a bit I
finally realized my original impressions were not only illogical, but they were
also a bit egotistical, and very hypocritical.
First, I’ll reference a real world secular
example. Whenever I drive, I’m always on the lookout for a speed limit sign,
like most of you I’m sure. When I see a sign that says the limit is forty –five
miles an hour, do I think “I really should drive that speed” ? Hardly. Instead
my thought is usually, “okay, that means I can drive 52, 53, and most likely
avoid a speeding ticket. I’m not rejecting speed limits completely; I don’t
believe that people should drive whatever speed they fancy. But I also believe
the people who created that sign are fully aware many drivers could safely
drive faster. The speed limit being 45 incorporates the possibility of bad
weather, traffic, and the fact that many drivers will instantly add 5 to
whatever the sign says. My personal belief is that the safest speed to drive is
the speed everyone else is driving, so you could easily say that I’m somewhat,
but not fully, converted to the idea of a speed limit. But even if someone made
a great argument and then I believed, regardless of other drivers, I should
drive what the sign tells me to, that doesn’t mean I would never speed ever
again. I would have to learn to live those standards.
Now
I’ll apply it to a situation thousands of missionaries have faced, with
confidence that my mission will be no different. An investigator of the church
has been taught by the missionaries, prayed aloud, felt the Spirit, and put in
the effort to read the Book of Mormon. They know it’s true. They are somewhere
between non believer and fully converted, and heading fast towards the latter.
But something holds them back, whether it’s a Word of Wisdom issue, or the fact
that they live with a member of the opposite sex but won’t move or get married.
They might not even know the exact reason, or are simply dragging their feet,
afraid to fully commit. Does this mean that they haven’t felt the Spirit as
strongly as I have? Or that I know with a stronger surety that the Book of
Mormon is true? Hardly. All this means is that we really do have to learn to
live the standards of the church. For me to assume that conversion was a one
step process and instantly entailed obedience to all standards was foolish, and
it ignored the fact that my own conversion has been a long process.
Rewind
5 or 6 years and you’ll find an awkward kid (that’s me) who had been raised in
the church by goodly parents, felt the spirit, done some minor studying of the
scriptures, attended church and mutual, etc. I was doing fine for a basic 14
year old. I wasn’t antagonistic towards the gospel at all, but in no way was I
fully converted. But as the years went on, small doubts regarding the gospel
arose. And as tragic life changing events took place those doubts only grew
larger. While any church leader will tell you that angelic visitations causing
conversions, such as Saul or Alma, are the exception, not the rule, and that
these events don’t cause conversion, but begin the process, I still waited on a
one time, doubt erasing, surefire sign from God that the church was true. Lds.org
writes that “conversion comes as a result of righteous efforts to follow the Savior.”
But instead of putting forth the effort, I simply became more frustrated. As I
grew older and attended my freshman year at BYU these problems persisted, and
the question of a mission grew larger and larger. But still I did nothing,
simply deflecting questions about a mission with empty promises that I would
serve. These weren’t lies; I had in no way made up my mind not to go, but I
lacked preparation in every way, and was constantly unsure of what I would
do. I was stuck.
When
I was 14 Elder Holland visited our Stake Conference. To be honest I don’t
remember anything he said, with one exception. To the youth of the Richmond
stake, Elder Holland was very clear. “Don’t you leave the church”, he said. “You
aren’t smart enough.” While I still laugh and the forwardness of Elder Holland
and the subtle insult he dealt us all, his statement was true that day and even
truer as I struggled to decide what to do.
I knew I wasn’t smart enough to leave the church, and had no intentions
of doing so. But I could not find the motivation to fully embrace the gospel
and its standards and start my mission papers.
In
the General Conference of October last year Tad R. Callister spoke about the
Book of Mormon. I love this message, so I’m going to quote a long passage.
“That is the genius of the Book of Mormon—there is no middle ground. It
is either the word of God as professed, or it is a total fraud. This book does
not merely claim to be a moral treatise or theological commentary or collection
of insightful writings. It claims to be the word of God—every sentence, every
verse, every page. Joseph Smith declared that an angel of God directed him to gold
plates, which contained the writings of prophets in ancient America, and that
he translated those plates by divine powers. If that story is true, then the
Book of Mormon is holy scripture, just as it professes to be; if not, it is a
sophisticated but, nonetheless, diabolical hoax.C. S. Lewis spoke of a similar dilemma faced by someone who must choose whether to accept or reject the Savior’s divinity—where there is likewise no middle ground: “I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: ‘I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept His claim to be God.’ That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. … You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. … But let us not come with any patronising nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.”
I believe the church as a whole follows
the same pattern, having no middle ground. Yet there I stood, where so many
others currently stand, on this phantom middle ground I created for myself. I
knew enough not to reject the church entirely but I had not experienced a
conversion strong enough to push me towards two years of service. For those who
may be interested, this “no man’s land” includes activities like
-
Knowing that God and Christ exist, but
being unwilling to pray to them every day.
-
Reading
the Book of Mormon and knowing it isn’t fake, but ignoring Moroni’s heed to ask
for a witness of its truthfulness, and therefore being uninterested in
sacrificing worldly things to tell others of its great message.
-
Attending church meetings and enjoying
gospel discussions, but not feeling the Spirit.
-
Believing with all your mind that
families are eternal, but not being willing to act in a way that will ensure
that blessing is guaranteed.
I could tell many times
that Bishop Barbee would’ve preferred to reach across his desk and smack me
when I told him that I was looking for an answer, but simply didn’t feel like
praying and studying every day. His patience and love amaze me. Eventually my
bishop at BYU, who was a former leader of Marines, gave it to me straight. I
was feeling better about the idea of a mission, but still looking for a sign it
was right for me, even though I knew it was a commandment, and that it would be
the greatest thing I ever did. He finally asked me “why don’t you just start
your papers?” To which I responded, I’m waiting for a sign. He said “But you
already know the answer. You know in your head you’re supposed to go. Faith is
a principle of action. If you have faith and start your papers, the Lord will
confirm it is the right decision in your heart, and you’ll feel better about
serving.” I told him I didn’t feel comfortable starting the process if I wasn’t
one hundred percent sure I was supposed to go at this time. He thought a
moment, then simply said “then you’ll never get your witness.” I finally
realized that with the gospel, and especially with the decision to serve, at
one point or another there had to be a leap of faith. I was never going to know
100% it was the right thing to do unless I actually did it. Standing here
today, I’m freakin out. Like seriously I’m gunna go crazy. No one can describe
a mission perfectly, because it’s such a different experience than the normal
lives we live. And because of that I’ll never be sure that I’m ready to go
until I go do it and see. I started my papers, but I still didn’t feel prepared.
Then one day I was remembering one of the classic sections of the Doctrine and
Covenants about mission work, section 4. I had recited it for years as a youth,
but this time I opened the scriptures and read slowly. I read verse 3, and
suddenly I knew that I was supposed to go now. “if ye have desires to serve God
ye are called to the work”. Then I read verse 5, and suddenly I felt less
unprepared. “And faith, hope, charity, and love, with an eye single to the
glory of God, qualify him for the work.” Faith and hope- I have to do my best
to prepare but ultimately there are many concerns I will have to leave in the
Lord’s hands. In no way do I feel ready to learn the Armenian language. But I
know that if I study and prepare, the Spirit can be there when I teach, and
that’s the only real converter. Charity and love- to give up my time, money,
education, family, friends, dogs, and most importantly the American food I love
so much, I have to love the people I work with, or else I’ll go insane. The
moment I read my call, without even knowing where they lived, I knew the
Armenians were the people for me. Everything I’ve learned about them since has
only added to my excitement to serve them. The eye single to the glory of God
is self-explanatory. I can’t call others to repentance unless I personally know
the blessings of righteous living.
I want to stress the fact that having doubts about the
gospel is fine. There was nothing wrong with me being unsure about a mission.
The problem arose when I decided not to do anything about those questions.
The last question I want to address is why. Why do I feel
the need to speed? Why can’t some investigators break their habits? Why did it
take so long for me to come around? I believe what Elder Callister said in
conference, and after I actually spent time reading the Book of Mormon by
myself I had a period of time where I actually believed that I could convert my
friends if they would just agree to read a few verses. One of my favorite
scriptures comes in Alma. Alma and Amulek are preaching to the Zoramites, and
they keep asking him a lot of questions. Finally in verse 14 of chapter 33 he
says “now my brethren, I would ask if ye have read the scriptures? If ye have,
how can ye disbelieve on the Son of God?” Now after this Alma explains that all
the prophets do the exact same thing, testify of Christ. It seems that the word
“read” in the verse entails a lot more than reading one verse, being unable to
call it a hoax, and therefore being fully converted. But I love this verse, because just reading
the scriptures is a great place to start.
The
easy answer to these questions of why could simply be that we are indeed human,
and as humans we have carnal tendencies and are destined to fail. It’s part of
the entire plan, so that we can experience and grow. As a driver, I feel more
productive when I’m driving faster than the limit and everyone else, like it
will actually affect my arrival time. Investigators struggle because their bodies
have hard cravings to overcome, or they don’t want to leave the comfort of
their situation. As for me. Call it bitterness towards God, or maybe I didn’t
want to grow up, or maybe I was just lazy and thought I could fly under the
radar. But I want to discuss a deeper answer, and I’ll quote Elder Holland
again in one of my favorite messages about missionaries ever, called
“Missionary Work and the Atonement”
Anyone who does any kind of
missionary work will have occasion to ask, Why is this so hard? Why doesn’t it
go better? Why can’t our success be more rapid? Why aren’t there more people
joining the Church? It is the truth. We believe in angels. We trust in
miracles. Why don’t people just flock to the font? Why isn’t the only risk in
missionary work that of pneumonia from being soaking wet all day and all night
in the baptismal font?
You will have occasion to ask those
questions. I have thought about this a great deal. I offer this as my personal
feeling. I am convinced that missionary work is not easy because salvation
is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy. We are The
Church of Jesus Christ, this is the truth, and He is our Great Eternal Head.
How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for
Him?
I believe
that missionaries and investigators, to come to the truth, to come to
salvation, to know something of this price that has been paid, will have to pay
a token of that same price.
For that reason I don’t believe
missionary work has ever been easy, nor that conversion is, nor that retention
is, nor that continued faithfulness is. I believe it is supposed to require
some effort, something from the depths of our soul.
Brothers and Sisters, I know that full conversion
requires a lot of effort to achieve and maintain. I know that we have to learn
to forgo our carnal desires, whichever ones we’ve been burdened with, and we
have to learn to live the standards. I know that as we do these things we will
be greatly rewarded for our efforts. Since I started my papers back in the
spring I’ve felt better every day about my mission. Don’t get me wrong, I’m on
the verge of a nervous breakdown. But I’m excited to give it everything I have,
and let the Lord handle the rest.
There’s a lot of people I should thank. All my youth leaders
and teachers, Bishop Barbee, Bishop Carlson. All my friends for supporting me
regardless of their own beliefs. Sister Anderson and Sister Bleyl, and all the
women of the ward who I’ve felt have acted like second mothers to me and my
family. My own mother for putting up will all the grief I put her through to
shape me into what eventually became the man I am. My family for making my life
worth living and enjoying, and always loving me. As I leave on my mission I
have to single out my older brother. He was an awesome example to me when he
left for Guatemala. But as many of you know he had been serving about 6 months
when our mother died. And without ever really saying anything, my brother
taught me two important lessons, and even though it took a while, those lessons
have always stuck with me. The first is that missions are flat out important. When
your brother doesn’t come home for our moms funeral, you realize what he’s
doing instead is pretty important. And the second was that part of the reason
he didn’t come home is that my brother knew without a doubt he would see my
mother again. He had to. And that always stuck with me, and now as I know that
myself I’m confident there are people in Armenia who need to hear the message
of eternal families from me. And they need me to help them take the steps to
seize those promises.
I want to bear my testimony of the Book of
Mormon. I know it is the word of God, that every page testifies of Christ, and
that studying and embracing this book will bring us pure happiness. I have a
testimony of the Atonement. Jesus Christ was the only person who could do it,
and He did it for each and every one of us, but more importantly in my life, He
did it for me. And now He is the only person who can say to me, “I know exactly
what it’s like to be you.” And because of that He can lift my burdens and pay
for my sins if I allow Him to. I have a testimony that this church is true, and
I’m truly excited for the opportunity to help further establish it in Armenia.
I
want to close with my mission scripture, Alma 29 verse 9 and 10.
I
know that which the Lord hath commanded me, and I glory in it. I do not glory of myself, but
I glory in that which the Lord hath commanded me; yea, and this is my glory,
that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to
repentance; and this is my joy.
And behold, when I
see many of my brethren truly penitent, and coming to the Lord their God, then
is my soul filled with joy; then do I remember what the Lord has done for me, yea, even that he
hath heard my prayer; yea, then do I remember his merciful arm which he
extended towards me.
